Monday, September 29, 2014

Describing Ladyville...Tips for the Discriminating Smut Author #eroticromance #authorhelp

Well, I'm slipping or I've been pretty happy because I had to go way back into July to find something to post. For those new to this form of torture, I take a FB rant and discuss it here on my blog. Today we're talking about some body parts.

The post:

Dear authors,

An aureole is: a circle of light or brightness surrounding something, especially as depicted in art around the head or body of a person represented as holy.

FYI, It's not a sexy body part.

Love, Mia.

My cover model for Just Ask
is not a lady, but he has nice areolas!

The Discussion...

I write erotic romance, which contains several body parts that are often used (hopefully quite vigorously.) I've seen aureole used several times instead of areola. It could be because Word will tag areola as incorrect and doesn't tag aureole as incorrect. So perhaps they think they're doing it all wrong. No one wants wrong boobs, be they man boobs or lady boobs. But aureole is all sorts of wrong, so go to your spell check and add AREOLA right this moment.

Other Parts to Discuss...

While I'm on a rant, let's talk about things I DO NOT WANT TO READ when it comes to getting down with the lady parts.

1) Suckling, suckle, suckled. The definition of this is: To feed (a baby or young animal) from the breast or teat. It's just not erotic despite the hero being 6' 2" of hot hunk doing the suckling. If he's suckling on red aureoles, I'm chucking your book. My children killed my sex life. I don't need to be reminded of that while reading your sexy book. It makes me all sorts of crabby.

2) Womb. I know we just dropped down to the other section of Ladyville, but this begs discussion. In no way, shape, or form does a womb have a place in smut. Because...
  • The womb is the uterus and again, the uterus is for babies. I had babies in my uterus for eighteen months (two pregnancies) and now that I am fixed, my uterus is a source of anger. Do not get me started on how men own the world, ruling the tampon and feminine napkin organization. If a man had to bleed out of his fixed dick every month he'd spend all of his time and energy to make it not happen, and you bet it would be safe and effective. ::grumble:: 
  • There's no way a man is going to be using his massive tool on a uterus unless you read/write those massive dick erotica stories where the cervix opens like a garage door to allow that massive beast of a cock entrance to the forbidden womb. Yes, it's a sub-genre of erotica, and to each his/her own thing. My coochie clenches painfully at the thought. 
  • There could be contact with the cervix but I don't want to think about that, either. Cervix is clinical and the only time I think about my cervix is when Dr. Young is doing a pap smear and scraping cells off of the poor little thing, or during my period when my cervix is cramping to allow for bodily maintenance I don't need.
3) Snatch. The definition is to grab quickly. Ladyville deserves some respect and a leisurely fingering, not a grab and grope. There are enough things to call it without going to porn-land. 

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